At last, government wants to speak clearly

The Texas Board of Education may have voted to cut Thomas Jefferson from a list of historical figures whose writings inspired the world, but that hasn’t stopped another Texas government agency from showing its literary side.

The Texas Health and Human Services Commission has sent out a press release worthy of the Paris Review.

The first two paragraphs state:

“In the heat of a bitter literary dustup, Ernest Hemingway once said, `[William] Faulkner thinks I don’t know the ten-dollar words. I know them all right. But there are older and better words. Those are the ones I use.’

“Nearly 70 years have passed since Hemingway delivered his famous smackdown of overwritten prose, but it’s as relevant as ever to HHSC employees who are trying to make plain language a defining feature of all agency communications.”

Now, frankly, that’s the best press release I’ve read in a long, long time.

Smackdown? Overwritten prose? I think I’m in love.

Then the news release gets serious. Turns out staff members are rewriting existing applications, letters, brochures, video scripts and Web content so that people can actually understand the words.

Welcome to the “No-Jargon Zone” as the state health agency proclaims. “HHSC takes steps to clean up its language.”

This gets better.

The statement describes a “less-is-more” philosophy.

And better.

“Telling people more than they need or want to know is something we are often guilty of,” HHSC spokeswoman Stephanie Goodman says of government communicators. “Someone asks what time it is and we tell them how to build a watch. It’s important to know when enough is enough.”

And better.

“We aren’t just talking about letters, brochures and forms. We want the idea of clear, direct communications to permeate the entire agency culture.”

Agency leaders say clients were confused about forms to fill out. Here’s an example of what they are trying to do:

The old form:

“I authorize this individual to make or give any request or notice; to present or elicit evidence; to obtain information; and to receive any notice in connection with this Appeal or Complaint wholly in my stead.”

Became this:

“I allow this person to do all of the following on my behalf for this complaint or appeal:

– Make or give any request or notice

– Present, gather or give up any information

– Receive any notices or requests for more information”

Here’s how HHSC describes the success of that editing process:

“Although the word count actually is higher in the plain-language rewrite, the new version communicates the key ideas far better. Most folks are clearer on the meaning of ‘gather’ than ‘elicit.’ Non-lawyers will appreciate the absence of stilted phrases such as ‘wholly in my stead.’ And no English majors will be offended by pointless capitalizations of words such as appeal and complaint.”

All true, but we can do even better. When you are The Watchdog columnist for the Star-Telegram, you are trained to take complex ideas and share them in a handful of words.

I’d change it to:

“I give this person permission during this process to represent me in the sharing of information in any and all manner as required to make my case.”

Boom.

Or even better:

“I give this person permission to represent me during this process.”

Bada-bing-bada-BOOM!

# #  #

Dave Lieber, The Watchdog columnist for The Fort Worth Star-Telegram, is the founder of Watchdog Nation. The new 2010 edition of his book, Dave Lieber’s Watchdog Nation: Bite Back When Businesses and Scammers Do You Wrong, is out. Revised and expanded, the book won two national book awards in 2009 for social change. Twitter @DaveLieber

Dave Lieber book that won two national awards for social change.